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LUST, LOVE AND GUT

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As a researcher, teacher and counselor, I’ve seen how intense sexual attraction is notorious for obliterating common sense and natural power in the most sensible people. It’s important to tell the difference between lust and love. Lust is an altered state of consciousness programmed by the very basic urge to procreate. Studies suggest that the brain in this phase is much like a brain on drugs. MRI scans illustrate that the same area lights up when an addict gets a fix of cocaine as when a person is experiencing the intense lust of physical attraction. Also in the early stage of a relationship, when the sex hormones are raging, lust is fueled by idealization and projection–you see what you hope someone will be or need them to be–rather than seeing the real person, flaws and all.

In one of my recent local classes, I discussed the difference between lust and love as well as techniques to enhance sexual wellness. Pure lust is based solely on physical attraction and fantasy–it often dissipates when the “real person” surfaces. It’s the stage of wearing rose colored glasses when he or she “can do no wrong.” Being in love doesn’t exclude lust. In fact, lust can lead to love. However, real love, not based on idealization or projection, requires time to get to know each other. Here are some signs to watch for to differentiate pure lust from love.

SIGNS OF LUST

You’re totally focused on a person’s looks and body.

You’re interested in having sex, but not in having conversations.

You’d rather keep the relationship on a fantasy level, not discuss real feelings.

You want to leave soon after sex rather than cuddling or breakfast the next morning.

You are lovers, but not friends.

SIGNS OF LOVE

You want to spend quality time together other than sex.

You get lost in conversations and forget about the hours passing.

You want to honestly listen to each other’s feelings, make each other happy.

He or she motivates you to be a better person.

You want to get to meet his or her family and friends.

Another challenge of sexual attraction is learning to stay centered and listen to your gut in the early stages of being with someone. This isn’t easy in the midst of hormones surging, but it’s essential to make healthy relationship decisions. Here are some tips to help you keep your presence of mind when you’re attracted to someone. This needn’t pull the plug on passion, but it’ll make you more aware so you don’t go looking for trouble.

Watch for:

A little voice in your gut says “danger” or “beware.”

You have a sense of unhappiness, discomfort, or feeling drained after you’re together.

Your attraction feels destructive or dark.

You’re uncomfortable with how this person is treating you, but you’re afraid that if you mention it, you’ll push him or her away.

The gut senses a potential for kindness and violence. Many of the ladies who’d been in abusive relationships admitted, “My gut initially told me something was wrong–but I ignored it.” The pattern was consistent. They’d say, “I’d meet a man. At first he’d be charming, tall and sexy. The electricity between us was amazing. I’d write off the voice in my gut that said ‘you better watch out’ as fear of getting involved. When later the abuse began, I was already hooked.” Some gut instincts though, are anything but hard to notice.

It’s so much nicer to be involved with someone your gut likes. Then you’re not always guarding against a basic feeling of doubt or incompatibility. You must also give yourself permission to listen to your gut when it says, “This person is healthy for you. You are going to make each other happy.” To be happy, take a risk, but also pay attention to the warning signs I presented. This allows you to wisely go for the fulfilling relationships you deserve.

WHAT THEN IS LOVE?

Love is a feeling. Feelings are the most common way that people learn about and experience love. When it is truly love, you will feel good about yourself when you’re with and without him. As a result, you will also feel good about him. Since you’re only human, sometimes you may not feel so good about yourself or him. This doesn’t mean it’s not love. It just means that things are ebbing, and change and growth are taking place.

Love is an inside job. We tend to look for love from someone else, not realizing that love is actually within. Love is about loving yourself first so that you are whole and not looking for someone else to complete you. The quality of your love life is a direct reflection on how much (or little) you care for and love yourself. The more you love yourself, the more you attract a guy who will love you just as much.

Love is a way of being. Love is experienced in the present moment. When you are present, negative thoughts and feelings fall away, making space for gratitude, kindness and loving energy. Being present with your partner lets you see him through fresh eyes and keeps you in love. Being present helps you express yourself more openly, building a deeper connection.

Love is a choice. It’s easy to choose love when things are going really well. And when insecurities and fears come up, choosing love is where your greatest growth happens. Love is choosing we over me, unless you’re in an abusive relationship. It’s being considerate of your partner and making choices for the greater good of your relationship.

Love is built on a strong foundation. Building a strong foundation of love happens by being the best version of you, taking the time to learn about each other, appreciating and accepting each other’s qualities, quirks and differences, being there through thick and thin, resolving differences in a respectful manner and letting him be who he is without trying to change him.

20 Questions to Know if You’re in Love:

Your answers to these questions may reveal if you’re in love. Answer “true” or “false” with the first response that comes up. If you’re thinking about or rationalizing your answers too much, stop answering these questions. Instead, take some deep breaths and relax. Then respond from a place of inner calm.

I am attracted and connected to my partner physically, mentally, emotionally and spiritually.

The thought of my partner makes me happy.

I feel happy about myself when I’m with my partner and without him.

I am free to be my true self in my relationship.

I like who I am in my relationship.

I love myself just as much as I love my partner.

I feel good about who my partner is.

If my partner were to lose his material possessions, I would still love him and be with him.

I appreciate my partner and his quirks.

I’m happy for my partner when good things come his way.

When difficulties come up for my partner, I’m here to support him/her.

I feel good about the way my partner and I interact and resolve issues.

I choose in favor of our relationship; my decisions are for the greater good of our relationship.

When I have good or bad news, or a challenging situation, my partner is one of the first people I call.

When we have issues, my initial response is to resolve them, not leave him.

When our relationship isn’t flowing as smoothly as I’d like, I’m able to be with what is and trust that things are and will be fine.

I feel content and fulfilled in my relationship.

I know my partner feels the same way about me as I do him (i.e. we both like and love each other).

There’s no one else I’d rather be with, than my partner.

I mostly approach our relationship from a place of love.

You are likely in love if the majority of your answers are “true”. The bottom line is: if you’re in love with the right guy, love won’t be or feel so hard. You will feel uplifted and loved for your true self. You will know how he feels about you. Your relationship will flow with more ease and when difficulties arise, they will be resolved respectfully.